feels like falling

sometimes river and i swing together, him in my lap. i hold him tight against my body and we both sit on our homemade wooden swing attached with purple rockclimbing rope. under the shady pecan tree, i stand up as high as i can to give us some good momentum. i lift my feet, and in a second we are flying.

it's the jumping, the letting go, the lifting of your feet. it's the anticipation of free fall that is nerve wracking. the long anxious walk down the teetering plank over open water. that is what churns my stomach in daily life as well. the moment with your toes on the edge of the high dive with your eyes and heart peering down. wondering how it'll change you. what it will feel like. if it's the right choice. fearing the jump. torturing yourself until you just work up the nerve to leap.

but then you do it. you experience the free fall. and it's exhilerating. the dizzy feeling of falling. taking a breath, looking up into the sky and seeing the leaves and the branch sway. all the while you are trusting, but secretly wondering if that branch will one day snap and send us down to the ground with a thud. loving the motion, the freedom of falling. loving it all, yet always hearing that little voice whisper fears into your mothering mind.

we swing together. and we smile and laugh. back and forth we swing. and my guts are in my throat and i'm dizzy and nauseauted because i'm no longer a kid. because i'm having to be the grown up making grown up decisions for us in this life. and that's heavy.

this is the fear of falling.